Letting Go
by Bhryn Astairre
Summary: [OneShot]Grief haunts other people, but sometimes, they just can't let go.


**Letting Go**

_A/N: Oneshot fic. I don't own FF7. If I did, it would have had a different ending, that's for damned sure…_

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_I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel.  
__Those three words are said too much, but not enough._

_If I lay here,  
__If I just lay here…  
__Would you lie with me and just forget the world?_

_- Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol_

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_She covered the beautiful smile and laughed, sweetly, into the air so it chimed, shivered and devoured everything she could ever give. Her hand was making a sign of 'okay', fingers bent as her brilliant eyes widened in delight, mirroring the laughter and the joy. Behind her, far as the eye could see, the sunset spilled over the grassy plain and lit her up, lit her up and set aflame, the angel who bothered to walk close to others on this forgotten, forsaken world._

I drink too much.

I sleep too much.

I don't know what to say, or what to do. They all keep moving they all keep going; they don't know how to stop doing what it is they do. What is that, they do, anyway? Save the world?

Bullshit.

What's there to save anymore?

It's a little cold, it's a little empty, and it's a little too dark to find my way.

So as the light in the bathroom flickers on and off, off and on with monotonous repetition, I find myself tracing the cracks and creases on the ceiling, of the welded joints and impressions of rivets burned into the thick metal that is this ship. I find myself looking for your ghost where I shouldn't see it and hoping I can find some comfort. The bed is a tangled mess of covers and I lie here, sprawled, wondering where my next drink will come from the take the edge of the pain of _knowing. _The pain of being here, without _you._

Always without you, from now on.

The lumps in the pillow are better for your head, not mine. You wanted to see the world skim by from a ship, way up high, way up where this god damned world isn't so ugly and isn't so frightening, where they don't have a chance of holding you down and clipping those beautiful wings.

So we…

"Come on, come see this."

It's Barrett. He thinks he's being a help and not a hindrance. I want to pull my shoe off and let it clang on the door. Maybe he'd go away.

"_You should go and see it_," your eyes and smile are there as you bend your head. No impression left on the bed, but softly I know there is pressure. I know there is something. Please, don't let this be madness or drink, let this not be the numbness I've fought off for far too long.

So I groan and pull myself from the bed, I don't even bother to look into the mirror as I stumble blearily to the door and assume the poise, the image of someone who isn't being dragged under by their demons and by their angel.

By my angel, that's you, you know.

I brush back my hair and quickly check myself for the scent of liquor, a quick spray of some deodorant and then I toss the can back: it's almost empty; I'll pick another up and continue living this lie for them. Out into the corridor, Yuffie is wandering past, holding her stomach.

Who would have thought, she still hasn't gotten over her travel sickness. It's even worse in the air. She doesn't see me, taking a direct line to the forward aft, to the bridge where they'll all be gawping out of the window like landed fish.

"_Not a nice thought_," you chide, waving a finger.

Hair like broken gold, smile like heaven and that laugh shimmering you are running ahead of me. Where do you get the energy from?

I follow anyway, I am used to following by now, I am used to being steps behind others. The stairs up are a little cramped and somehow I make it to the bridge where they all wear their masks so well, they all say their pretty little lines and keep telling themselves that tomorrow, it'll be so much brighter. Outside I can see the green dancing and the fading forever as the meteor is pushed away.

"Lifestream," I mutter, "What is that?"

But I know.

"_I thought I should help out a little."_

Haven't you done enough?

Haven't we asked enough of you already, little flower?

You wilted and died for us.

What did we do? What have we done until now? What have…? I done, until now?

I collapse against the side of the ship and rub a hand on my side, feeling a bit sick and just watching them, all laughing, all singing, and all dancing. Great, celebrate, throw a party. But you've all forgotten why we were able to get this far. Why we even got so far as we did. Your smiles are all faked, that's what they are. Faked and rotting.

My hand brushes the only thing I could keep of yours.

"_It's a pretty colour, you know, bright, alive. I like that, the life in it."_

Irony, irony, irony; and there is Life cackling away and out of your reach. You tried to hold on and I tried to pin it down and throttle it for you. I would do, I would throttle it again just so you could stand at my shoulder and say;

"_Oh, but that's not how it should be."_

All too soon we part ways, looking for the remnants of what we were a remnant to begin with. They all go, until I am left with my remnant of a past I almost forget, I wish I cold forget. And with you, always with you at my shoulder, angel, laughing softly with sparkling eyes.

We return there, to Nibelheim. Because we have nowhere else we can go, or would want to go. Nibelheim is… was our home. Outside, at the edge of this world I used to belong to, I say; "This is how it all turns out."

"At least, we can rest."

"Rest. Yes."

And I sleep too much again.

I sleep and dream. Or… am I already dreaming? When I wake then, you are alive, you are real and you hold me and tug me along, laughing, so nothing I ever did hurts me, so I don't see the blood or the hate or the terrible sharp pains in my chest. There are flowers and such brilliant sky and with your soft voice you would say.

"_You'll love it here, I'll wait for you."_

I wish you didn't always have to keep waiting for us.

I wish…

So one starry night, I go to this well that still remains in the centre of town and sit there, swinging my legs. Before I know it, there is something else. You are beside me, swinging your legs and laughing with me, stars in your soul.

"_Thank you,"_ your voice tells me, whispers.

"I'm sorry."

I want to cry, because touching you here, it just isn't enough. It'll never be enough. Do you understand that? Do you understand how broken and alone I feel without you? But you don't, tilting your beautiful head and smiling that heavenly smile, you just look at me, through me to my heart and unlock it, break it, keep it. Keep it, alright? You stole it long ago, anyway.

"_I always wanted a hero."_

"Who doesn't? I wanted to do so much more, Aeris… I'm so sorry…"

"_You did enough. You did more than enough. I'm the one who's sorry."_

I am crying, finally, broken that dam of emotion and torrential floods of tears are forecast. I cover my eyes and cannot cover my ears, as cool lips are pressed to my cheek, I cannot cut out your song, your voice. I cannot.

…so I drink too much.

I drink too much more than simply, too much.

Each volatile spirit drink is a new best friend and I cradle them to me, knowing their names and knowing their cocktail mixtures, each one perfected in it's own right and together we while away the evenings, while away the hours. While away my life, because from that moment on, I wasn't living, I was going through the motions, the tired, pallid, sick motions.

Blurs of faces, blurs of feelings, I don't care anymore. I'm stuck on the merry go round of in and out, of sleep, drink and half insanity that is my life.

Each morning I wake and think of you until the moment I drown myself, hoping never to wake.

But I wake.

And you'd say: _"Because one of us has to go on living."_

Is this living?

This bed, it's all rumpled and broken, with lumps in the pillow where your pretty head should be and my life filled with empty holes where you would have been by my side, and I could have told you anything, and everything.

I loved too much.

Cool lips and touches, and with that verdant smile in your equally perfect eyes, you say, _"You never said, but I always knew. I love you too, Tifa."_

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_Together, always together._

_Both beautiful, both perfectly imperfect in their own way._

_One, tall with dark hair like a river of midnight, a heart shaped face and dark claret coloured eyes, struck with the stars she looked up at, pleasant smile on her lips and the way she reached over and took the hand of the other spoke only of the deepest love._

_Two, petite and slender in comparison to the darker girl, dressed in a drenching wave of pink and red. Her hair the tone of golden sugar, browned just nicely and her skin tanned with the love of the outdoors, but the exquisitely beautiful face contained a warm smile and brilliant eyes of the most fascinating sea green, alive, so alive._

_She held the hand back tightly, knowing that this night would never come again; she'd never have these moments again. This time would pass. It would all pass._

_Tifa turned her head to the side and looked across at Aeris, her eyes filled with a flood of tears as she murmured, "Just… just lie here with me, and forget the world, always."_

_They never said it aloud to each other, but it was always there. Like the unseen ghost of the heart, it was always there and Aeris gripped the hand tighter._

"_I'll stay, as long as I can, for you."_


End file.
